Toilet Humor
by Sam Mallory
Summary: The world is ending. Again. And what is this I hear about demon dung? Trust me, you don't want to read this.


Title: Toilet Humor  
  
Author: Sam Mallory  
  
Spoilers: This takes place during the third season, but hell if I know when.  
  
Summary: The world is ending. Again. So what is this I hear about demon dung?  
  
Rating: PG for silliness and talk about demon fecal matter  
  
Author's Notes: Don't blame me on this one, folks. My sister challenged me, and this is what came of it. The elements I had to include were an odd 'ship, a toilet, Angel's mansion, and a joke from Dharma & Greg about a turtle (you'll see what it is).  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Oh, dear lord!" Giles exclaimed. He removed his glasses and began to clean them vigorously with his handkerchief. "The earth is doomed."  
  
Buffy could only reply, "Mrh?" as her lips were otherwise occupied with kissing Angel.  
  
Willow nudged Xander none-too-gently as he was currently drooling on one of the books. At least he wasn't snoring as he slept this time.  
  
"Huh?" Xander now had half of an impotence spell imprinted on his face because of the drool soaked ink.  
  
"The world is ending again," Willow whispered to her friend out of the corner of her mouth. She raised her voice a little louder to ask, "Why, Giles?"  
  
"There is an ancient prophecy in this codex that describes the world ending in offal." The Watcher double-checked his book. "Yes, it is definitely offal."  
  
Buffy wrenched her mouth away from her boyfriend's. She wiped her hand over her mouth before speaking. "What is awful? How is the world ending this time around?"  
  
"O-F-F-A-L," Giles explained. "It means.um.uh.fecal matter." He returned to the vigorous cleaning of his glasses.  
  
"Oh. Eww." Buffy's sentiment was shared by Willow and Xander, as evidenced by their own 'ewws.' It was difficult to tell if Angel was disgusted because he was very busy trying to get Buffy to make out with him some more.  
  
"Well, we must stop this!" Buffy yelled, standing proudly. She grabbed a sword from the cabinet in the book cage and struck a heroic pose with it. "What is the thing that's going to take the tremendous dump and how do I kill it dead?"  
  
"Actually," Giles said, still polishing his glasses, "it's a toilet in the Fa'Quapa dimension that clogged up demon dung. It is going to overflow into our dimension."  
  
"Eww," the gang, minus Angel and Giles, chorused again.  
  
"I have an idea." Giles closed the book and stood, indicating that everyone else should as well. He began to head to the library doors, still speaking. "We'll have to go to Angel's mansion. That's where the separation between Fa'Quapa and our dimension is the thinnest. That will be the best place to stop this."  
  
The Scoobies followed where Giles was leading. Once outside the doors, though, Willow turned and charged back into the library. As she did, she yelled over her shoulder, "Go on ahead without me! I'm going to get someone who can help us out.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Once in the parking lot, the Scoobies encountered their first challenge. Next to Giles' old beat-up Citroen was Joyce, Buffy's mother. Seeing that her daughter was armed to the teeth, Joyce began to yell her protests.  
  
"I will not let Buffy go off and fight evil today! She's still grounded for sleeping with a dead guy!" Angel bristled at this, but calmed down once he realized that it was a fair enough statement.  
  
"We don't have time for this," Giles said as he grabbed Joyce's elbow and steered her towards his car. "I'll explain on the way."  
  
~~~~~  
  
"So, there is a demon toilet that is overflowing, and its going to flood the world, ending all of life as we know it?" Joyce asked once they arrived at Angel's mansion.  
  
"Yep," Xander cheerfully agreed. Angel merely skulked off to the upper floor of his mansion, not to be seen for the rest of the fic.  
  
"This is almost as bad as when I tried to flush Speedy," Joyce muttered, mostly to herself.  
  
"What?" Buffy shrieked.  
  
"Who is Speedy?" Xander asked for the sake of the readers.  
  
"Buffy's pet turtle."  
  
The Slayer finally managed to splutter, "Mom, when was this?"  
  
"After the rigor tortoise set in." This earned Joyce a few chuckles from Xander and Giles. Buffy, however, was not amused.  
  
"When is Willow getting here?" Xander finally asked.  
  
"Right now." The little witch walked in, looking extremely pleased with herself. "I got us an expert."  
  
From behind Willow stepped Jenny, looking just as she had the night she had died, only less broken-necky. Giles' lower lip began to quiver, a reaction that he hid by polishing his glasses, amazingly enough while he still wore them.  
  
"I'm not here long," Jenny explained. "I'm just a ghost that Willow summoned and made corporeal, offering my help. By the way, here's the spell that you need." The ghost offered Willow a piece of paper. The witch took it and went over to Xander. The two of them began to speak quietly. Anyone who cared to listen in could hear them talking about a turtle.  
  
Jenny turned to where Giles and Joyce stood together. "You know I'll always love you, right?" she asked before gently kissing Joyce. Joyce blinked at her in surprise.  
  
"You do mean Rupert, don't you?"  
  
Jenny thought deeply for a moment. "No. I mean you."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Jenny and Joyce then fell to the floor, passionately kissing. At this point, the author became bored with the story and wrapped it up as quickly as she could. Willow performed a spell in Latin that roughly translated as 'Liquid plumber gets the job done,' which unclogged the demon toilet and saved the world. After that, everyone went for ice cream and lived almost happily ever after. The end. 


End file.
